So, You Wanna be a Vampire?

Hollywood and Gothic novelists have brainwashed you into believing that there’s some magical process in becoming a vampire. I’m here to unravel their lies and tell you the no-nonsense truth about becoming a vampire. Anyone can do it. Anywhere. Anytime. Here’s what those movie-making, novel-writing bloodsuckers don’t want you to know.

Vampire myths have a couple different origins. One of them is them is actual cannibalism and subsequently using human body parts in the same way we would use animal body parts. “Whale bone to make your corset, Milady?” The countess replies, “Why bother? There’s a milkmaid downstairs who’s skinnier than me. We’ll just use her ribcage – that ought to slim me down.” The second one was sufferers of tuberculosis in the darker parts of Eastern Europe. They felt a weight on their chest that felt like someone was lying on top of them – sucking out their breath – when they had a disease of the lungs.

Anyhoo – neither of these things have anything to do with vampirism as it exists today. Truly, you only need to have two qualities in order to make your darkest fantasies a reality. One of them is to believe that there is no possibility that other people are equal to you. This means disregarding the fact that you have exactly the same physical characteristics inside and outside your body as other humans; therefore, putting yourself on a pedestal over them. The rules that normally govern conduct do not apply to you. Thus, you are free to use other people to feed your lusts. Let me suggest a few desires to get the ball rolling. You can feed your desire for political power, corporate greed, or sexual sin. On a smaller scale you can also stomp on people for the fun of it, talk down to people to make sure they know they’re stupider than you, act helpless in order to make other people do what you don’t feel like doing, freeload, and act like an ass since there’s no one to stop you.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That’s how tons of people behave in the normal world and they aren’t vampires. That’s right. There’s one other important component that I still haven’t mentioned – damnation. Basically, it means that as you’re doing all these things intended to degrade and suck the life out of your victims, you also have to be actively pursuing new ways to drink that figurative blood. You get addicted so the rush, so lying and cheating get less and less fun, so you’ve got to start stealing to top yourself off. It also means that you don’t want to make things better. You want to screw everyone over and drag everyone down to Hell with you.

And since vampirism has been enjoying such a sparkly reputation lately, you can even tell the person you’re draining that you’re a vampire and he or she will probably get off on it. See? Win/win!