If I Pop

No. I’m not pregnant. Sheesh. You say the word ‘pop’ and everyone thinks you’re either going to have a baby or you ate too much. Well, I didn’t eat too much either. Man, would I like to eat too much though. Life is so hard.

Tonight, I feel like having a pity party. In my life, there isn’t much acknowledgement and when acknowledgement does come – I feel like a cat that just got petted the wrong way. When I’m being complimented, I often wonder if the person praising me thinks I’m intentionally making a martyr of myself. I’m here to tell you. I would never do that.

So in honour of my mood, I am going to write a list of irrelevant things that irritate me. I will not specify whether they irritate me a lot or a little.

1. Cold ankles. Why do they even make shoes that don’t come up over your ankle? Crazies.

2. Piercings. Haven’t you all figured out that the holes that naturally exist in your body cause you enough trouble without adding new ones?

3. People with degrees in music from universities … only because they’re cocky.

4. Lentils. Ew!

5. Readjusting baby seats.

6. Crumbs. Just put the whole thing in your mouth and then close your mouth, okay?

7. Hearing complaints about my layer cut.

8. Throwing coins into bottomless pits. I have to do this all the time in one metaphoric way after another.

9. Wait times in pharmacies when I can see the drug I want from where I’m at.

10. Getting my oil changed.

11. Hiring a babysitter. It’s only slightly less awkward when it comes time to pay them.

12. Purse sizes. What are women toting around in their enormous purses these days if they’re not carrying diapers? Knitting? Half a library? I can almost fit my laptop in my purse. And today, I hauled half way around the city carrying like ten plastic dinosaurs in my bag. Totally forgot they were there and carried them everywhere with me for no logical reason.

13. Post nasal drip. See what I mean about your head holes causing you trouble?

14. When people sew felt onto other kinds of fabric. Come on, people. Felt has like a tenth of the durability of other fabric and pills faster than lightning. Cut it out.

15. Snow White. It’s no little girl’s fantasy to live with seven dwarves. If it were, The Hobbit would have a larger teen girl audience.

16. Leaving an entire bag of groceries at the store. You’d think with my head being so screwy I’d lock my keys in my van too, but I never do that. I wonder why.

That’s enough of a rant for me. Thanks for listening.