What I DON'T Want for Christmas

Strongbad did one of these a few years ago … and it still cracks me up.  The things he didn’t want were an ornament, one of those robotic plastic do-hickies that dance and sing, and something homemade.  Seriously, ‘these sea shells have office supplies hot glued to them for absolutely no reason’.  I love that dude.

So, what do I NOT want for Christmas?  I’m really onboard with Strongbad with the Christmas robots.  I can only listen to Jingle Bell Rock so many times before I want to jab out my eardrums (it’s twice.  I can only listen to it twice before eardrum jabbing starts to sound good).  Actually, I would prefer it if people didn’t buy me Christmas decorations, though I am a little friendlier towards ornaments (I mean ONE ornament).  It’s not like they have long lifespans at my house and ornaments have small enough price tags to negate my guilt.

The next thing I don’t want for Christmas is jewelry.  I know most people think I like jewelry because I do, but buying it for me becomes an extremely personal affair.  So unless you have been jewelry shopping with me on more than one occasion or have a strong reason to believe that you UNDERSTAND what I like and value – don’t do it!  Seriously, I’d rather you bought me a mug from the dollar store.

Any kind of fruitcake is off limits too.  I don’t know anybody who likes eating that stuff, yet I see it for sale in the stores months ahead of Christmas.  If somebody does like it, I’d like them to send me a detailed description of how it melts in your mouth or how the chewy bits make you happy.  Seriously, you could turn me right around.  I can hardly hear the word Heidi without thinking about toasted bread with cheese and having to make a trip to the kitchen.  Dang her grandpa for feeding it to her as soon as she got to the Alps!

Dolls are bad too.  I know.  I’m a grown woman.  Why is anyone even thinking about getting me a doll?  The truth is … they ALL are.  Everyone one or two generations ahead of me is thinking about getting me a doll.  I have two entire boxes (dishwasher sized boxes) in my basement full of dolls. I think the perfect home for dolls is a place where they will get drooled on, or drawn on, or undressed and left out in the sun.  Basically, I think they’re intended for children to play with and if they’re not getting played with then they’re garbage. 

So, there you have it.  What I don’t want for Christmas – the official list.  However I do welcome all baking supplies, woolly socks, pens, chocolates, and Christmassy yum-yums that you can spare.  Seriously, you don’t even have to melt the chocolate wafers.  They can come directly from Bulk Barn.  Happy Holidays!