Negotiating with the Dead - Part One

Dear Margaret Atwood,

I have begun reading your book Negotiating with the Dead: A Writer on Writing.   I am far too shy to write to you or trouble you with the wonderings of my mind.  I doubt you reading this would add anything to your day, but as I read I find that I very much want to reply to you like we were having tea and having a conversation.  You say to me the words that you have written in the book and I reply in a way that is so quiet, you can't hear me and I can't interrupt you.  I doubt my reflection on your thoughts would add anything to your great vault of knowledge and experience, but I'd like to dissect them more carefully.  

Into the Labrinth

Who are you writing for?   Why do you do it?  Where does it come from?

I'm taking from your list of why people write and commenting on the ones that apply to me.  

1. Because I knew I had to keep writing or else I would die.

I feel this all the time.  I am working on a trilogy right now and I am writing all three volumes at the same time.  I wonder why I'm writing it.  No one cares whether I write it or not.  I have done very little to raise any hype for it.  Reader hype for my books stresses me out.  Promising the reader a good time makes me think of a hooker who promises vague sexual favors saying her customer will be 'satisfied', but how does she know what will satisfy him?  And how will an unsatisfied customer react when his anticipation was not rewarded?  But that is another issue.  What does matter is that I must write my trilogy and I don't exactly know why.  

2. To delight and instruct.

If I was serious about delighting my reader, I probably wouldn't write what I do.  My readers often have tiny complaints that my books are not heartfelt enough or sexy enough.  I recently lost a valuable book contract and all signs point to the fact that I am not sexy enough as the reason why.  As for instructing my reader... I want to show my reader what a healthy romantic relationship looks like.  I find a lot of romance novels model poor relationships and I'd like to correct that.  It doesn't make me popular when everyone these days wants to be owned with a contract, whipped six times, controlled, sexually abused until they like it, and more.  I cry at the absurd contradiction of entertaining someone and informing them.  Only a select few are entertained by information.   

3. To please myself.

This is the one comfort that no one can take from me and it was very hard to earn.  I think a lot of writers quit because they have an idea of what they want their story to feel like.  They write and during the process they feel like they're on fire.  Time passes and they read what they wrote and they see it for what it is - a first attempt.   They hate that.  They want to be an excellent writer already.  They feel like an excellent writer inside themselves.  They are very entertained by their own thoughts.  Why doesn't that come across in their writing?  It's terrible to have to explain to someone that I didn't enjoy reading my own work until my twelfth book.  They hate the idea of writing eleven books that don't satisfy them.  Yeah, well, I hate listening to them whine about how they don't want to work.

4. To spin a fascinating tale.

As a child, I was always impressed by how predictable everything around me was.  When I write, I want to take the reader down a different avenue.  When I get praised for my writing, this is almost always what I am praised for.    

5. Compulsive logorrhea.

If you sat me down, blindfolded me, and told me that I was allowed to talk about whatever I wanted to for as long as I wanted...  I would never shut up.  Under normal circumstances, I am not really allowed to talk.  I use a remarkable amount of restraint so I can compliment others by hearing what they have to say.  I was practically taught that it is wrong to talk. I had to have an outlet, or I'd die, so I write.

See?  Wasn't that informative?  Didn't it make a pretty circle?

Most of the other reasons you listed why people write were far loftier than mine.  Out of dozens of political, religious, psychological, and academic reasons, I probably chose the five humblest... aside from revenge.  I would actually love to take revenge on someone by writing (how elegant), but who and for what?  Most of the people I'd like revenge on are dead.  That happened to me at a surprisingly early age.

One of the reasons that surprised me was writing to earn the love of a particular person or anyone in general.  If I wanted to earn the love of a particular person with my writing, I'd write them a love letter. I'm quite good at writing those.  Their reaction would make it clear whether they could love me or not.  If not, it was not the fault of the letter, but my fault... because something inside me didn't fit with something inside them.  And if I wanted to earn the love of the world at large, I wouldn't have lost that sweet contract.  

When I think of myself and the author inside me, I do not think that I am important in the grand scheme of most people's lives or humanity at large.  I'm going to live and die like a little dandilion growing by the side of the road.  And when I am gone, I want no grave to mark where I am, because book covers work just fine for gravestones.  At least, they have better art.  Don't you think?

I feel as though that answers the first two questions of: Who are you writing for?   Why do you do it?  Now I must answer the last question: Where does it come from?

In your book, you describe people working it out in the darkness, fumbling in the dark, wrestling invisible angels, until everything becomes clear, the author is the victor.  You stressed firmly that the strongest commonality between different writer's processes was the darkness--twilight.  I agree most wholeheartedly.

When I write, I imagine that I am standing in twilight and there is a star above me.  It is high above my head, but it is possible to reach it.  I start by placing a brick on the ground.  The brick is my premise and it is connected to my star by cords that cannot be seen.  When I go to write the next chapter after my premise is established, that chapter is the next brick.  I cannot place the second brick just anywhere willy nilly.  I have to place it on top of the brick I've already set down.  The contents of the second brick are always the same thing... they are the most interesting thing I can think of after the premise.  I cannot do anything that would send me in a different direction then the way that would lead me to my star.  I go on like this until I reach the climax, the conclusion, and at last, I land with my feet square on the surface of my star.  I am quite good at wrapping up stories because what needs to be done is so clear in my mind.

In my next blog post, we'll talk about how I began a writer.

With sincere appreciation, 

Stephanie Van Orman

Novelist