If I were an Actress

When I was a young warthog … I mean a younger warthog, I wanted to be an actress.  What?  I have a dramatic personality and an incredibly loud speaking voice and I used to be invited to have a role in the school play rather than audition for it.  The last play I was in was when I was in grade twelve and after that experience I decided to forgo the pleasure of acting for the rest of my life.  Don’t get me wrong, nothing notably wretched happened during it, but I realized something about myself … I get too into things.  You could argue that with a little bit of practice I could attain balance in my life, but the truth is – I am not remotely sorry to give up the stage.  I really like writing much better.

But writing is very much like acting in many ways.  In order to make a variety of convincing, diverse characters a certain amount of pretending is essential.  So, the other day I was brainstorming what kind of a character I would like to play … if I were ever to act again. 

Main female lead?  I’d rather blow my brains out.  Though I don’t mind doing it within the pages of a book – the idea of reliving every embarrassing, degrading, foolish trap the main protagonist must endure gives me heartburn.  I’m a person who is happy to have my love life/professional life/personal life in check.  When I write out awkward entanglements, it is with the greatest love for the audience.  I’m either thinking, “Please, learn from this!”  Or, “Please be entertained by this!”

The mother?  What?  People my age are still taking roles as teenagers.  As a side note: that’s right you little teenagers.  Every movie that is geared towards you is written (and possibly performed) by someone ten to twenty years older than you (maybe more).  The author is just pretending to be hip.  They’re probably old enough to be your daddy.  Don’t let them brainwash you.  It would be far better to be brainwashed by your actual parents.  Think about it!

The quietly amused spectator?  This is the role for me.  Have any of you heard of this character before?  They’re usually slightly older or younger than the main characters and they exist only to be impressed and amused by the antics of the protagonists.  As we watch them enjoying the situation, we (the audience) tend to reflect that enthusiasm.  When they have fun, we have fun. In my opinion, it makes that character extremely likable. 

But, like I said before, I don’t really want to act.  I just have to do something to busy my brain while I wait for May and the spring planting season.  Next month I won’t be able to think about anything except my rose garden and my blackberry bushes.