A Tattoo is a Beating

I’m going to get beaten. I hate tattoos. I don’t understand them. One day I sat on the sidelines at a water park because I couldn’t go in the water and to entertain myself, I checked out everyone’s tattoos. I only saw one guy with a tasteful tattoo. It was the outline of two perfectly symmetrical stars on his shoulder blades. Everyone else looked … bad. Here were the things I noticed.

No one’s tattoos had clean lines. How long does it take for those lines to bleed? How often do they need touch-ups? Do people actually get the touch-ups done like they’re supposed to?

The next thing is the permanent nature of a tattoo. I saw a lady the other day with a Tweety bird tattoo just under her collarbone. I remember when Tweety bird was cute and cool – it was about 20 years ago. What on Earth would make someone believe that what’s in style now will still be in style in 20 years? That means that unless you choose something intensely personal for your tat, eventually it’s going to go out of style and you’re going to look like a loser.

So speaking of tattoos that are reminiscent of something personal, I remember reading this article on choosing names for your children and the writer of the article wrote about how you shouldn’t name your baby after anyone. Relationships change. If you name your baby after your Aunt Jessamine and the old broad swindles you out of your life savings through bad investment advice – you’re never going to want to hear her name again as long as you live – never mind screaming it every ten minutes at your toddler to make her stop colouring on the walls. I think it must be the same with tattoos. That miserable SOB might cheat on you like a rapper and then you’re not going to want the lyrics to his hip hop song tattooed on your hip. Think about it.

Now I would like to suggest an experiment. Have you ever seen a broccoli elastic? They’re fat and blue and hold broccoli stalks together. Grab one of those and a ball point pen. Draw a design on it. Let it dry. Then stretch it. Notice what happens? The picture gets ruined. Human skin is not like canvas – it’s like a rubber ball. Someday it’s going to stretch and then sadly – sag. Finally, it’s going to wrinkle and by the end of your life no one is going to know what was so desperately important to you when you were 19.

Yeah, I’m gonna get beaten. Sorry kids. I feel ungrateful. My first fan that was found in the wild had a tattoo of her own flesh bleeding on her arm, but when I wanted a tattoo – I wrote ‘Dragon’s Moon’ where everyone had a tattoo. It was incredibly expressive, great fun, and totally free.