Thursday, June 20, 2013

Hamlet's Mom



The following is a parody I wrote for the song Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne.  It came to me one night.  It was SO obvious.  So, I realize some of the punctuation is not brilliant, but that’s because this is a parody.  I’ve also included a short version of the real song at the end for your entertainment.

"Hamlet's Mom"
Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on
Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on
Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on
Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on

Hamlet, why dost thou stop and stare?
I didn’t kill thy dad, I really swear
Did thy mom get back from evening prayer?
Is she there, or is she still braiding her hair?

You know, I'm not the uncle that I used to be
I'm all crowned up now, baby, canst thou see?

Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on
She's all I want and I've waited for so long
Hamlet, can't thou see? Thou art not dethroning me
I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Hamlet's mom

Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on
Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on

Hamlet, dost thou remember when I slew thy pawn?
Thy mom came out with five dresses on
I could tell she liked me from the way thou glared
And the way she said, "He must not be spared"

And I know that thou thinks it's just a fantasy
But since thy dad died young, thy mom could use a king like me

Hamlet's mom hath got it goin' on
She's all I want, and I've waited so long
Hamlet, can't thou see? Thou art not dethroning me
I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Hamlet's mom

"Stacy's Mom"

Stacy, can I come over after school?
We can hang around by the pool
Did your mom get back from her business trip?
Is she there, or is she trying to give me the slip?

You know, I'm not the little boy that I used to be
I'm all grown up now, baby can't you see

Stacy's mom has got it goin' on
She's all I want and I've waited for so long
Stacy, can't you see you're just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom

Stacy, do you remember when I mowed your lawn?
Your mom came out with just a towel on
I could tell she liked me from the way she stared
And the way she said, "You missed a spot over there"

And I know that you think it's just a fantasy
But since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me

Stacy's mom has got it goin' on
She's all I want, and I've waited so long
Stacy, can't you see you're just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong,
but I'm in love with Stacy's mom

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Ack! Protect the Innocence of My Eyes


I love statistics, so I thought that I’d share some with you.  If you go to the website for the Motion Picture Association of America, you can see how they rate films, but I wanted to do a little recon for myself.  So, I went on Apple Movie Trailers and looked at the opening 3 seconds of about 200 movies.  Most of these do not have ratings assigned to them before they are labeled okay to be seen by ‘appropriate audiences’.  I kept track of how many had been rated.  There were 54 of them.  Here were the things they were tagged for. 

In first place was sexuality.  First we got eight for ‘sexual references,’ four for ‘some sexual content,’ one for ‘brief sexual references,’ two for ‘some sexuality,’ two for ‘brief sexuality,’ five for ‘nudity,’ six for ‘sexual content,’ one for ‘partial nudity,’ one for ‘graphic nudity,’ one for ‘sexuality,’ one for ‘brief graphic nudity,’ one for ‘strong sexual content,’ one for ‘brief sexual reference,’ one for ‘sexual material,’ another one for ‘some sensuality,’ one for ‘a sexual reference,’ one for ‘some graphic nudity,’ and one more for ‘some nudity.’  That gives us a grand total of 39/54.

Twenty eight of them were tagged for ‘language.’  Then specifically, two more for ‘brief strong language,’ two more for ‘some strong language,’ one tagged ‘language throughout,’ and one more for ‘pervasive language.’  That’s 34/54 for bad language.

Our third place winner was for violence.  Ten of them were tagged for ‘violence,’ one for ‘violent incident,’ two for ‘disturbing and violent images,’ two more for ‘brief violence,’ three more for ‘bloody violence,’ two more for ‘some disturbing images,’ one for plain ‘disturbing images,’ one for ‘strong brutal violence,’ one for ‘an unsettling sequence,’ another one for ‘some strong violence,’ and three for ‘some violence.’ I’m going to leave out the ones that were tagged for action sequences and stuff like that because it doesn’t do to get too fussy.  But that’s still 27/54 for violence.

This was the real reason I did this.  I wanted to know how many films have drug use.  So, we got one for ‘brief drug material,’ two for ‘teen drug and alcohol,’ one for ‘drug reference,’ one for ‘drug content,’ one for ‘teen drinking,’ two for ‘some drug content,’ two for ‘brief drug use,’ two for ‘smoking’ (the only one that is legal), one for ‘mild drug use,’ two for ‘some drug use,’ one for ‘pervasive drug use,’ one for ‘drug use involving teens,’ and one more for ‘drug use.’  That gives us 18/54 (one third).

I’m also not mentioning the films that were tagged for ‘thematic elements’ and ‘thematic material.’  And there were even a few films that were rated R and they gave no reason why. 

So, since there were 54 films, on average each film was tagged for an average of 2.18 tags.  Thank you, Hollywood.   

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Ageless Grace



I promised myself years ago that I was going to handle aging with a grace unknown to women.  Tough crowd, eh?  I don’t know why I thought I would be able to handle it so much better than the average woman.  It’s not like I’m without my fair share of vanity.  And I’m not always that great at predicting the future in my own life.  I mean, I thought that I was going to be able to handle pregnancy like an ox.  Well, I suppose I do … I mean, if oxen throw up hundreds of times and lay in the hay all day.

Anyhoo – the other day my daughter came up to me and pointed out that I have a wrinkle on my face.  I knew it was there before she said anything.  It starts at my nose, curves around the left side of my mouth and down to my chin.  I didn’t realize it, but my smile always starts in the left corner of my mouth.  And that’s really only the beginning of it. 

I started wearing bangs a few years ago because I realized that my forehead was really wrinkled.  Every time I notice I remember that Calvin and Hobbes comic where Calvin comments to Susie that her bangs do a good job of covering her lobotomy stitches. 

Another painful subject is my sagging waistline.  The other day I caught myself reading an article in a magazine about how to hide that … and finding their suggestions extremely helpful.  Boo! 

That’s when Logan’s Run comforts me the most.  Any of you who know what Logan’s Run is are probably twitching right now wondering how these things relate.  Well, I read it when I was in college.  Forget the movie.  In the book, everyone voluntarily gets gassed in a sleep shop when they are 21 years-old and their dead ashes are put on a shelf.  Doesn’t that sound riveting?  They talk about a building in their midst that has a red jewel-like exterior.  The inventor of the process was naturally a teenager and he only got half of the building done before he turned 21 and obediently went to a sleep shop taking his secret with him.  So, the building would never be finished. 

I love how the book trashes glorifying youth, evading parenthood, and living only for pleasure.  It tries to teach that you will not accomplish the best things in your life when you’re a teenager.  Your achievements build with your age.  Or at least they should.  What should matter is that I’m still growing as a person, not that I look less and less like Cleopatra every day.  That may seem like a bold statement, but try to remember that I am a narcissist.  Now I just have to learn to be crazy about myself when I’ve got crow’s feet, laugh lines and a tummy like a bowl full of jelly. 

Ugh … good luck to me …