The Good Guide to Vomiting

I’m giving you all fair warning now.  This is a serious guide to vomiting.  Thus it may not be acceptable reading material for some of you … make that most of you.  But I have to voice my knowledge somewhere and there are very few things that I know as much about as vomiting. 

So, the first thing you’ve got to know about vomiting is where to throw up.  Do not throw up in the toilet.  If you do, you’re likely to get toilet water splashed in your face.  That’s all you need after you throw up – toilet water on your face – charming.  Also, do not throw up in a sink unless you are positive that you will only be throwing up liquid.  Otherwise, you’ll have to clean the sink yourself or you’ll clog the drain.  Throw up in a bucket and then empty it out into the toilet.  Seriously, it’s the only way to fly.

The second thing you need to know is how to hold your head.  If you’re in a lot of gut-wrenching pain, it may be your instinct to curl yourself into a ball and bend your head over.  This is a mistake.  If you’re hurling really violently – you’re going to aim up your nose instead of out your mouth.  And though vomit tastes revolting, it’s worse to have to clean out your nasal cavities afterwards.  Keep your head up like you’re a princess.

The third thing you need to know is how to protect your teeth so that you don’t break them or damage them with all that stomach acid.  Do not brush your teeth.  You may want to, but if you do you will be actively shoving acid in the spaces between your teeth and your gums.  The best thing you can do for yourself is just to rinse your mouth out with water. 

The last thing you have to know for the after-party is to take a healthy drink of water.  It’s very dangerous to get dehydrated.  You could end up in the hospital with an IV in your arm if you can’t keep down liquids, but you should at least try.  Also, water is the first thing to enter into your small intestines from your stomach since it doesn’t need digesting, so there’s a good chance some of it will get into your system before you throw up again.  If the stomach acid is really brutal, take a couple Tums.  If you throw them up, you can always take more … Tee hee.

And lastly, the worst thing in the world to throw up is oranges.  And the second worst thing is tomato sauce, so try to avoid those foods if you think you might have a problem.  The best thing to throw up is a milkshake.  The next best is Jell-o.  That’s why hospitals serve it.  So don’t diss it. 

Happy hurling.