Sometime in November

Today is going to be a random, mixed up post where I talk about a variety of whatever.  What can I say?  It’s not October and it’s not December.  It’s a random month.

The other day I was watching a romance on Netflix.  I know – total contradiction of my blog last week – but it was hilarious.  I was watching The Decoy Bride and the hero of the story was the actor from Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire who couldn’t stop licking himself.  I sat there the whole time laughing wickedly wondering how I could take that guy seriously.

Next random item – I have been reposting my novel Dragon’s Moon on fanfiction.net.  If you’re at all interested in that sort of thing, go check it out, but please remember that I have posted the exact same novel (almost) on fictionpress.com under the title Mark of the Dragon and the whole thing is there intact as I type.  So, if you want a really good read – go to fictionpress and read Mark of the Dragon by Sapphirefly.  You’ll love it.

I have been reading The Ring operas by Richard Wagner, getting all prepped up to go see The Hobbit next month.  And I gotta say; the world can’t possibly end on December 12^th of 2012 because The Hobbit doesn’t open until the thirteenth.  I mean - really!  Anyhoo – I know y’all think I should be rereading The Hobbit and not reading ancient operas from the 1870s but I promise you – it’s way funner this way.  This way I get to read Mime and Wotan make each other answer riddles this month and next month, I’ll get Golem and Bilbo.  This way makes for a little more variety.

So, some authors have it marked on fanfiction.net that they don’t want fanfiction written about their work.  One of them is Terry Goodkind, the author of The Sword of Truth series.  I read the first two books in that series when I was a teenager and just the other day I watched a couple episodes of the mini-series Legend of the Seeker on Netflix.  Did it seem really lame to me because I haven’t watched TV much in the last six or seven years?  Because that seemed really weak.  I’ve also decided that you can pretty much gauge how confident the writing is in a piece based on how much cleavage they allow the main woman to flash.  Somebody will watch it for the eye-candy even if the plot is thinner than nail polish remover. 

Anyhoo, I gave you something old, something new, something borrowed and something at least worth one giggle.  Now you can get married without toting around any bad luck. 

When did 'Gross' and 'Romance' become Synonyms?

Where did my love of a good romance go?  It’s sad really.  One day I was curled up in an armchair with a book cracked over my knee pouring over a drippy romance novel wishing that the afternoon would never end.  Now when I scrolling through the latest movie previews I skip the romance.  How did that happen?

I have some theories.  Here’s one.  I think it might be because none of the romances that I read/watch these days resonate with me at all.  They seem to be about people who hop into bed with each other, find out that their personalities don’t match, but they still like sex, so they continue to see each other until they can figure out a way to get along.  That means nothing to me.  Absolutely nothing. 

Another theory, and this is more often a book thing, is that the story centers on a girl who has no backbone, yet she has this intriguing man pursuing her.  As a retired pro at getting a man’s attention – door-mousy women bore me.  And in reality, interesting men tend to fall for interesting women.  See?  They bore the men too.  I also think that book is written by an author who has no spunk (and has never been within ten feet of a man who wasn’t her brother), so she quietly writes this mousy female character while dreaming that a man like the hero of her novel will come along and sweep her off her feet.  P.S. I was talking to one of my friends today and I was telling her about a virgin romance where the heroine was pursued by no less than eight men.  She was like, ‘Finally, something I can relate to!’  Tee hee!  Seriously, why can’t we have women heroines who are vibrant and exciting?

Another theory - I have thrown out several books this past year because in the midst of the romance, we are forced to read a section about our heroine’s vibrator.  Doesn’t a woman who reads a romance novel at least want to read about a man?  And doesn’t the author want her book to end up … say … not in the trash can?

The kind of romance novel I like best is one about a woman who is fully aware that all men are pigs, and so she likes to use them for their money and then leave their jaws hanging.  The hero is a man who sees through her angst and schemes, proving to her (rather difficultly) that he won’t disappoint her the way all the other pigs … ahem … men do.  However, he’s really got to break his neck.  It’s no fun if she gives in too easily.

Anywhoo – anyone who knows of a romance with this premise, please send it my way. 

Swans in Sight

 

Today on my blog, I'm promoting the last in Jandy Branch's trilogy, Swans in Sight.  It is the sequel to Bats in Between which I promoted last week and Parakeet Princess for which I did a promotional piece a few months ago.  I did not do the editing on this one, but I did the cover design.  I'll give you fine people the synopsis and then I'll disclose my thoughts and feelings about the cover.

Midway through her 3rd year of university, Heather MacLean hasn't had a date in seven months. With nothing new in her love life, she starts to fall back into old habits -- and old insecurities. Her first love, Ben Jones, is back after two years in Switzerland. Maybe there’s still a chance he can make Heather happy for life. And then there's the more dangerous prospect of the looming return of Heather's favourite vampire. Being on her own would probably be easier if she didn't have to watch Tannis, her best friend, dating Lars Hansen. He’s a man who seems eerily perfect – or, at least, perfect for Heather. Set in a large LDS singles' ward in the mid-1990s, this is the final installment of the "Parakeet Princess" trilogy. It's a clean, uplifting story about the clumsy, convoluted, crowded road to true love.

Obviously, I did the design for this one after the other two, so naturally, I found it the most difficult.  My ideas for the other two covers just sort of fell into my lap.  This cover represents a considerably larger time investment.  In the end, I decided to go with a style that was slightly more like the first novel than the second and aimed for a lighter feel.  For instance, we see Heather's face instead of a shadow.  That's because she's out of the dark and into the light.  The colour scheme is also slightly different - blue for the first book, green for the second, and brown for the third.  I love it.  I think it looks like a chocolate cupcake with pink frosting, but then - I always have cupcakes on the brain.

This book is a delightful read and an excellent end to the series.  Be sure to give all three books a whirl if you're low on reading material.  And remember, the first book Parakeet Princess is still on for free on Amazon and Smashwords and other great ebook sellers. The other two sell for only $1.99 each.  I know you'll love them!  Cheers!

Bats in Between

Here's another title I'm promoting by Jandy Branch, Bats in Between.  It's a sequel to her novel Parakeet Princess.  I did some of the editing and I did the cover design again (remember cover design and cover art are two separate things).  Personally, I loved doing this cover.  It was extremely fun.  And I love the little white bats.  Anyway, this is my favourite of her three part trilogy.  I get completely wrapped up in the story.  It's very entertaining.  Here's the synopsis:

In her final year of high school in the small "Mormon town" of Upton, Heather MacLean seems to have everything going for her. Even though she's still considered the new-girl, she's feeling more comfortable. She's dating her dream boy, Ben Jones, and she's on track to become the town's first female valedictorian. But when Ben leaves town to go to university in the capital city, Heather is left to make friends with Aaron, the town's resident gloomy vampire-boy. Will she make it out of high school unscathed? Follow Heather through the sequel to "Parakeet Princess" as she navigates the perils of mandatory gym class, a long distance relationship, and finding out the hard way what love is not. This is a clean, uplifting story about growth and girl-power. Set in the 1990s, it has something to offer older readers looking to see reflections of their own experiences. 

It's available for purchase on smashwords.com, amazon.com and probably any other location where ebooks are sold.  It's $1.99 and I know that's pretty steep when you could be reading something for free.  Just as a hint, Parakeet Princess was made free awhile back, so if you're thinking you can't read this one because you didn't read the first one, now you can!  For free even!  It's also available in all the same places amazon, smashwords, and all those other places. 

Enjoy!  I loved this book!

I'm not Dead

I know a lot of you thought I was dead.  I haven’t been writing on any of my normal venues.  I haven’t been emailing my fans back with any degree of regularity.  I haven’t been doing book promotions.  I haven’t been writing my blog.  And anyone who emails me or texts me has maybe been getting a response.  I love being consistent, but you know what kittens?  I’m still sick as a dog and six times as mean.  And over the past three or four months of intense illness, I lost my post about enormous worms.  Bummer!

Anyway, here’s the plan for the next couple months.  First, I have a couple book promos that are going to come out in the next two weeks.  One is for ‘Bats in Between’ and the other one is for ‘Swans in Sight’.  Both of those are by Jandy Branch.  Next, I plan to rerelease ‘Dragon’s Moon’ on fanfiction.net.  You won’t be getting an edited version or anything that fancy.  You’re going to get the old version that I published in 2005-2006.  I keep getting requests for it, so at long last, I’m going to deliver. 

I’m scared to commit to anything more complex than that for now.  My health sometimes takes unexpected nosedives.  Anytime anyone sees me out in public these days they comment on how white I am.  Well, who can blame them?  I was inside alternating between child’s pose and the fetal position on my bathroom floor for the whole summer.  My rose garden is dying.  Seriously, rose bushes that used to yield 25 blossoms at a time yielded from two to six blossoms … the whole season.  And the drugs I was prescribed made me so dizzy, I couldn’t even read. 

The long and short of it is, yes, I look kind of dead.

It’s okay though.  It could be worse.  That was what I really learned this past summer.  There is no bottom to pain.  You think you’re suffering the worst pain a person can endure and wham – you find out there’s always more.  So, you’re doubled over because your guts hurt intensely, but you could always have a cold on top of that, or a cut somewhere irrelevant, or a twisted ankle, OR someone could come in and deliver hopelessly tragic news about something in your life or the life of someone else.  Mental anguish always adds a nice twist.

Well, I know I’m being morbid today, so next time I’ll be cheery.  I just never feel like summer is complete without writing an essay entitled ‘What I did with my Summer Vacation’.

P.S. In the second to the last paragraph, I went easy on you guys.  I could have written a huge stack of icky medical conditions, but I left them out.  I’m so nice to my readers.

A Moon that Tastes like Honey

When I got married, my idea of the perfect honeymoon was to go on a road trip with my husband.  Stay in a different city each night, drive with the windows open, and listen to loud music.  I thought of it as kind of a farewell to teenagehood.  After all, I was only 19.  It would have been cool, except … we had no money.  My hubby made the best of what we did have, which really wasn’t a lot, so the road trip was really more like overnight at a campground within a reasonable distance from our hometowns.

So, I have always yearned for a proper honeymoon.

For years, I sat around and wondered what I would have liked to do for my honeymoon if I ever got a second chance.  As the years passed my brain would linger on the idea of going to Ireland if the money was good, Prince Edward Island if the money were a little less good, or Alaska to go whale watching in the summer.  So, whenever anyone would tell me they were getting married, I would always ask them where they were honeymooning.  Do you want to know what has been the most popular answer hands down?  Not Italy.  Not London.  Not Hawaii.  Disneyland.

I am baffled.

Seriously, I know close to ten couples who decided to honeymoon in Disneyland.  And I don’t get it.  I mean … I really don’t get it.  I can’t figure out the appeal for grown-ups who have no children who are looking for a romantic getaway.  If anyone knows – please explain it to me.  Because when I want to be romanced, I’m a grown-up woman who cannot possibly be seduced by the blue Disney castle of my childhood.  Remove my responsibilities for a while (this applied even before I had children), let me sleep in and if I can possibly be taken somewhere vaguely exotic – I’m putty in your hands.  So, why do these couples want Mickey ears?  Are they some sort of aphrodisiac and no one told me?  Do men look irrationally adorable in Mickey ears?  Everyone always comes back with loads of Disney swag.  Which I don’t get either.

I just want to sleep, see a beautiful view, eat a crab, be given a sparkly present, told that I’m beautiful and … standing in line to get swirled around like tea in an oversized teacup doesn’t sound like an enjoyable part of the program.  Blah, I’m hopeless.  I’ll probably never get it.

How it Should have Ended

This is my endorsement for ‘How it should have ended’ (HISHE) on YouTube.  They cartoon alternate endings for Hollywood blockbusters, video games and even sometimes TV shows.  And frankly, they have been making me happy ever since I discovered them.

I used to love watching movies, but as I get older, it seems like movies get more predictable and more grotesque at the same.  It takes a lot for me to enjoy a movie.  But before I became a disenchanted troll under the bridge … okay, when have I ever not been a disenchanted troll under the bridge?  Personally, I think it was around the time I turned thirteen, so I have a list of movies that I have labeled ‘I would have enjoyed prior to my thirteenth birthday’ … it’s a long list. 

Usually, I’ve seen all the movies HISHE make fun of.  However, I hadn’t seen Jaws.  I don’t know how it never came up, but it never did.  So, I had no particular inkling to watch it … until I saw their parody.  My husband (who had also never seen the real thing) watched their parody and laughed until he cried.  So, this last weekend, I went and watched Jaws.  It was wicked, but mostly because of their parody.  Otherwise I would have dubbed it somewhere in between The Birds and Snakes on Planes.

Anyway, I love these guys.  They took a huge collection of movies I disliked and made me able to laugh at them.  And I love the way I can lean over and whisper in my husband’s ear, “Fly away pretty bird.  No sand mutation for you tonight.”  And have a giggle anytime – anywhere.  Seriously, that quote is from their parody for Spiderman 3.  Seriously, go check this out on YouTube and don’t say I never did nothing for you.